A Lapse And An Apology.

by sjbgilmour

It’s a pretty personal post this time.  I’m not seeking attention, sympathy or anything else.  I just need to get this off my chest.

I don’t know, or very much care, what others consider the term alcoholic to mean.  To me, it means anyone who has a problem with the substance.  About six and a half years ago, I hit what some would term as rock bottom.  I was drinking way too much, too often, and I was on the wrong meds for my bi-polar disorder and depression.  It was a bad, nearly fatal mix.  But, with the help of my awesome family, and some time with some medics at a clinic, I got clean and, eventually, on the right cocktail of meds.

Funnily enough, not a day has gone by since then that I actually craved a drink.  I craved smokes like you wouldn’t believe.  That was by far the worse addiction for me.  Still, using the Jedi mind tricks of mindfulness, I kicked the smokes.

Then a few months back, Superwife reluctantly agreed to try controlled drinking — that’s where the one with the problem tries to stick to a set limit.  It worked for a short while, but then those receptors in the brain kicked up a fuss and I found myself sneaking extra drinks because once I started, stopping at whatever the limit was, was a problem.  Without going into the gory details, the other night there was a confrontation, a night of fun was ruined, and a few dear family members felt betrayed, hurt and probably angry.

That’s where my apology comes in.  Superwife, I’m sorry.  To everyone else involved that night, (I won’t name names — the people to whom I’m referring know who they are,) I’m sorry.

So now, I’m back to being dry, and back to going through a rehab course; more of a structured refresher this time.  The plan this time is to learn more tools to help me when I’m in what’s known as high risk situations so I don’t have that one drink after which I find it almost impossible to stop.

Oh, and just for the record, if anyone out there is considering trying controlled drinking, don’t bother.  It doesn’t work.  Don’t just take my word for it.  Ask any shrink.

Anyway, who knows, maybe this time around, I’ll be able to quit a couple of my other vices, like sweets before bed, and the double espressos in the morning as well as learning to keep myself on track.